U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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