one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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