There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
