Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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