He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
