the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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