i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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