After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
We need to feng shui this bitch.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
