trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
