My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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