Where did you get a picture of my penis
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
