i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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