Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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