We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
