a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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