So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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