i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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