is your mom at the bar?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
