Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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