Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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