I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize