I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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