if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
