Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
