They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i just google imaged poop.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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