i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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