maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
