what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
