I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
