i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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