im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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