I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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