Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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