Sponge bath it is.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
