I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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