You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
