Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
