how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
