Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
