Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
