I'm pants shitting drunk right now
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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