He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
