The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
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