My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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