If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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