Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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