remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
