No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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