Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
