Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
