You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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