just come out here and I will go home with you...
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
