I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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