Betty ford says i'm here all night
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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