im having a threesome with these popsicles
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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