She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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