My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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