Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just pynch a tree in the face
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
