I want to make a zoo with you.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
